When I’d first moved to Cowie’s School Of Music in London I’d come alone, only me and my guitar. So had Lillie. Her parents still lived in Australia, giving her money to fly across to the UK after she’d received a scholarship from the school. According to Sarah Cowie, the headmistress, Lillie’s talents were something of gods. They’d almost signed her up straight away.

It just happened that we both arrived at the same time. First term back after the summer holidays, we both appeared, were put into the same class and expected to fit in with the other pupils straight away. To the kids already at school we were classed as the ‘newbie’s’, the ‘intruders’. To say it annoyed me was the understatement of the century.

So, me and Lillie, being singled out by the rest of the cruel school sort of stuck together. After a while, we became pretty good friends. Hanging out together out of school, going to the cinema, helping each other with homework. You know, the usual stuff. Slowly but surely, I started to fall for this amazing girl that was my best friend. Every time I saw her smile my insides would erupt into a kaleidoscope of butterflies. Every time she grabbed my hand to drag me over to the vending machine in the locker building electricity would shoot through my veins. Every time she jumped on my back, throwing her arms around my neck as to not fall off I’d have to take a second to steady my breathing.

It was around then that Lillie’s tremendous song writing talent was discovered. I’m not going to lie, what she wrote was pretty amazing. But other people thought so too. Girls that had never turned a blind eye towards her before were now suddenly wanting to be her friend, asking her ‘tips of the trade’. The teachers adored her, she could do nothing wrong. I was pushed to the side. I didn’t matter to her anymore. I was the guy that she used to know, the guy she used to hang out with. Now she had new friends, she didn’t need me.

“DANNY!” her voice screeched again, “WOULD YOU GET OFF MY SPOT! I’VE GOT A BLOODY EXAM TOMORROW! I DON’T NEED TO HEAR YOUR DEPRESSING HEARTBREAK TUNES!”

For her to say it was her ‘spot’ was a little over the top. It was a corner of the pitches. The pitches that belonged to the school. Just because that was where she usually hung out, didn’t mean nobody else could go there for a bit of piece and quiet. I chose to ignore her and kept plucking the strings on my old, battered guitar. I could really have done with a new one but with my parents paying ten thousand quid a year for me to attend this “amazing” music college, money wasn’t exactly going spare. Plus, with final exams coming up, there was hardly time to spare for me getting a job.

A pair of converse appeared in my eye line. I smirked a little but continued to play, knowing that it would annoy her.
“WOULD YOU GET OFF OF MY FUCKING SPOT ALREADY?!” she yelled, and this time I knew it was final. I wasn’t really willing to pay the consequences for pushing her temper a little more. I knew what happened when she really blew, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I followed her legs with my eyes until they met her body, up past her stomach and to her…

I knew I shouldn’t stare, especially at that area, but it was like my eyes were frozen to the spot. Since when did those pair appear?! I shook my eyes, thinking I was imagining things, but right enough there they were. I eventually managed to tear my eyes away, hoping she wouldn’t have noticed. Thankfully she seemed to have turned her head just at the right moment. I breathed out and then spoke. My voice was softer than I’d expected,
“Sorry Lils.” I whispered.

Then I got up, grabbed my guitar and jogged across the pitches back to the dorm building.

I thought I was over her.

But nothing could deny those goddamned butterflies and the hundred beats per second my heart was pulsing out. I burst through the door of my dorm, it swung open easier than I’d expected and I stumbled into my room, collapsing onto my bed. Beating my fists against the mattress I screamed into the pillow.
“I’M NOT IN LOVE! I’M NOT IN FUCKING LOVE!”

There was a faint giggling from behind me and I turned my head to see Dougie, my room mate, stood at the bottom of my bed giggling like a five year old.
“OH JUST GET THE HELL OUT DOUGIE! GO SHAG SOME BIMBO.”

The words came out harsher than I’d expected and Dougie’s face fell, his bottom lip jut out and he walked sulkily out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Great, my only chances of a friend in this place and I’d just blown it.

It was then that I realised there were tears in my eyes. The shapes of the furniture in the room became blurry as my eyes filled with salty drops of water. I swallowed as I tried to get rid of the aching lump in my throat however it relieved nothing. Angry tears fell down my face as I continually kicked the wall. I don’t know how long I was there for, but eventually my senses kicked in, and I realised my foot hurt, quite a bit. My head clouded up with exhaustion and I sat down on my bed.

Lillie hated me. Every single part of me. She’d never know of my feelings for her. I couldn’t tell her. So I kept lying to myself. Telling myself that I wasn’t in love, it wasn’t my heart and those songs, I hadn’t written just for her.

Those songs. Angry tears welled up in my eyes and I got up, stumbling across the room to my dresser. My hands slammed down on the top and I managed to move my right one so it opened the top drawer. Hundreds of pieces of white paper filled it, songs about her scribbled all over them. I grabbed a handful and threw them down onto my bed.

Sat between my dresser and Dougie’s was the red rucksack I’d come to this place with along with my guitar case. I grabbed them both and threw open my dresser, pulling clothes out and stuffing them into the rucksack. Jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, boxers and socks. Then I unzipped my guitar case and quickly placed my guitar inside. Angry tears still filled my eyes but didn’t dare fall.

Once all of my belongings were packed up. I left the dorm.
I was leaving, leaving for good.
Being at that school did me no good. Especially when I spent all lessons thinking about her.
What use was it being here if she didn’t want me here?

But I had to talk to her first. Just say goodbye. I thought I’d gained composure by the time I’d got to the girls dorm block. I knew she was there, I’d watched her go in.

I didn’t even knock on the door, just stormed in. She was sat on her bed, a notepad in hand. She looked startled by my entrance. Then her face turned angry as she saw me standing in the doorway.
“GET THE FUCK OUT JONES!” she yelled, “DID YOUR MOTHER NEVER TEACH YOU TO KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING?!”

My composure broke and angry tears filled my eyes.
“I came to say goodbye.” I said, my voice quiet but full of rage. How could I hate her so much, but love her so much more at the same time?! It didn’t work like that. It couldn’t work like that… She laughed, no she cackled.
“And what makes you think I care?! Don’t tell me! You’re going round every girl dorm in the school and wishing them goodbye!” she snorted and I almost laughed. How unladylike. “Or maybe you’ve come to see me because I hung out with you a few times? Cause you’ve got nobody else worth saying goodbye to?”

It was as if every word she spoke were a sharp knife, making another stab as they left her mouth. She suddenly stopped and gasped.
“Oh my god Danny. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that-” she apologized, it was like verbal diarrhoea. Stupid, lame excuses came out of her mouth.
“Just shut up Lillie.”

Silence. I laughed. I had shut her up. I laughed again, I heard it, it wasn’t friendly. She gulped.

“I came to say goodbye to you because I thought that maybe somebody cared about me in this place. Obviously not. It was a mistake in the first place. I should never have come. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time writing these bloody songs about you.” I threw the scraps of paper on the floor in front of her. “I’m not wasting my words on you anymore. Have a good life, Lils. I’m sure you’ll find somebody just as bitter as you to share it with.”

And then I left. I ran out of the dorms, down the steep steps and into the large courtyard. The gate was right there. I stopped for a moment and I heard her calling my name, it was getting louder and she was getting closer. So I ran, ran right out of the grounds. Right away. Away from that god damn school. Away from the people. Away from her.

I’m not in love. This is not my heart. I’m not gonna waste these words, about a girl.

Lillie
Then he was gone, out of my dormitory door.
I choked out loud. Tears spilled down my cheeks.
What had happened to me back there? It was like some evil demon overtook my power of speech. Why had I said such cruel things? I’d driven him away.
My chest ached.

I didn’t stop to look at the songs on the floor, there was plenty of time for that later. I just had to see him, speak to him. Apologise.

So I followed him. He’d had a good thirty seconds head start, but I was faster at running than him. Maybe I could catch him up.

As I flung open the dormitory building door, I saw the mass of chocolate curls disappear down the steps to the courtyard, where the front gates were.
“DANNY!” I called out, hoping he’d maybe turn around. Maybe he’d wait, hear me out. I ran to the top of the stairs. My heart was pounding and my eyes filled with fresh tears.

The courtyard was empty. I scanned the whole place with my tear filled eyes.

He was gone.

Then my heart broke.
“I love you.” I whimpered, hoping somehow that he’d hear those pathetic sobs. But the truth was I would never see him again.

He was gone.

Last night I knew what to say, but you weren't there to hear it. These lines so well rehearsed, tongue tied and overloaded.
He’ll never notice.